Aruelian leader response to reporter, "wgar" mistaken for choking, rib fractured. | Totally Real News

      November 21, 2097 - Tragedy struck Aurelia at President Finni's Sunday press conference regarding the Norfolk Island Project where he officially broke ground on the project by sticking a shovel into the sand and failing to get it out as spectators watched for a good four minutes and twenty-six seconds. The president answered questions from journalists long into the afternoon, the atmosphere of the conference was positive, photographers took pictures of heavy machinery, and then, disaster struck. 

      A Report from Ruddock Media, Kala Murkoff, fills us in on what went on that disastrous evening, "I was admiring this big heavy hunk of metal, the one with the big claw, that moves the sand all over the place, and y'know, I turn my head, and suddenly everyone's going away from the stunning marvel of architectural engineering." Murkoff recounts the frenzy of media personnel who frantically ran toward the President, hoping to aid him in what must've been in a medical emergency. "It was scary, I mean, I didn't know what was happening, people where running and jumping all across the stage, and then I see the president, with a ton of aides on top of him, people reaching for his chest." According to the Ruddock Reporter, the whole incident started when the president answered an inquiry from a reporter; To which the Oceanic leader bewilderingly responded, "wgar." Murkoff tells us that a man leaped on stage, grabbed the president, "Are you Choking! Are you Choking!" The man yelled into the President's ears repeatedly. The president vomited words, "wgar." 

      The man reportedly wrapped his arms around Finni's chest and started thrusting repeatedly, until Finni had fallen onto the plank-floor due to the pressure, the man then called for help, assuming he was unresponsive, yelling, "He's not breathing!" one onlooker tells us. The man then violently slammed his fist into the President's chest several times, with several aides aiding screaming, supposedly wanting to be the ones to save Finni's life, the President was bombarded by several fists, none of them hitting the center of the chest. The president, trying to recover, hurled himself forward, with a hoarse voice, tried to beg for the crowd of reporters to quit manhandling him. The man reportedly responsible for starting the frenzy then screamed, and according to Murkoff's account, "He's been reanimated!" He then propelled forward and jabbed through the President's throat, believing he was an undead zombie.

       The man continued his attacks on the President but was obstructed by several spectators who successfully got him off of the president. According to hospital reports, Finni was severely injured and had fractured his rib and spine, and recovery is expected to be a slow process. "It's painful to see how misunderstandings can become so serious so quickly, but I'm glad that the President is safe, and that no blood got on this incredibly bulky and muscular metal machine which will be used to construct a megaproject." Murkoff gave her final comments before she turned to caress the steel beams of a nearby crane. As for the man who assaulted the president, he was identified as Robet Krakins and has been arrested and is expected to face charges on assault and injury of an elected official. "Y'know, honestly it was a mistake, I used too much force when I thought my President's life was in danger, he's a really thin guy, that's what ballet lessons and dieting do to you." The alleged attacker reasoned. 

      Totally Real News visited President Finni after he was flown to Arutopia Central Hospital. He tells us the thrilling details, "A man tried to do mouth to mouth, that's when I woke up because although I may wear a skirt and thigh highs, I am not gay."

       Totally Real News LLC, Toronto Canada 2092