Glatixian state denies invasion of Sardinia but says, "Whoever's doing it is probably pretty cool." (And other news)

It wasn't us?

In an apparent communications snafu, Glatixland State News accidentally released a press notice detailing a full-on invasion of the isle of Sardinia. We would like to apologize to our readers, both at home and abroad, for this mistake. Fortunately, the the team responsible for the release has been offered new jobs as professional live-ammunition testers.

Glatixland State News officially retracts the previous article, and encourages any readers to forget that it ever existed. Those with difficulty doing so are encouraged to call the helpline at 1-700-FIRINGSQUAD, and a team of adze will be dispatched to escort you to treatment facilities for your obvious schizophrenia.

While Glatixland itself would never threaten the sovereignty of another nation, Glatixian officials have stated that whoever -is- doing so is "pretty cool, and probably has every right to invade Sardinia."

In a recent press conference, Glatixian General Klaus Von Murderdorf had this to say:

"I have been informed that I was misquoted by Glatixian news outlets earlier when I apparently said that we have a massive military presence in northern Sardinia. I never said this or anything to this effect. Any information to the contrary is a lie and clearly a sign of mental illness, which we take seriously here. Furthermore, the various videos, pictures, and other sources of seemingly undeniable evidence of Glatixian military actions are all photoshopped. All of them. Even the eye-witness testimonies and live-streamed videos of massive explosions from various Sardinian towns. We believe that these apparent 'air-strikes' were merely gas leaks that happened to occur seconds after our planes flew overhead. It's clear that the Sardinians are blaming us for their terrible infrastructure."

Despite the state's official denial of any military involvement, the General did go on to laud several of the videos:

"Damn our guys look cool here. I mean their guys. I mean no one is anywhere and nothing is happening. Okay so, hypothetically, say that we -did- invade that stupid island. We didn't, okay, but say that we did for the sake of argument. -If- we did (which again, we didn't), it was wizard. I mean it -would- be. Like, all those bombs dropping and then the soldiers rushing in and stuff. Just awesome. They didn't stand a !@#$ chance. Not that it happened."

Glatixian naval taskforce quietly departs, moving to secure trade amidst growing crisis

In the hours following the invasion that didn't happen, a section of the Glatixian Shutenboatte split off to begin routine patrols along important trade routes. The taskforce, dubbed 'El Diablo', will prowl international waters near the coast of Igua-sul. Officials have stated that the move is an effort to protect Glatixian economic interests in the region, and that the ships are not authorized to use force except to deter hostile parties.