Nation Bulletin

Glatixland urges nations to 'kill each other the old-fashioned way'

Facing the prospect of a prolonged nuclear winter, Glatixland has released a statement urging nations to cease nuclear bombings.

By Glatixland State News
05/07/2021 06:14 pm
Updated: 05/07/2021 06:14 pm

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With the GNI having risen to a staggering 558.62 Roentgens, food production has effectively ceased for the majority of the planet. The only nations being spared by nuclear war seem to be those in the barren wastes of Antarctica. A nuclear winter has settled over the earth. Storms of irradiated ash and toxic rain are now considered regular occurrences, with the sudden onset of high radiation catching thousands of nations utterly unprepared. International tariffs on food have risen by an average of 11% in a single week, and trends show that the prices will only continue to increase as global supply wanes.

Among the smaller nations of the world, starvation has become a fact of life. To say the least, the situation is dire.

Even the Jingoistic States of Glatixland have had to endure tremendous suffering among the population. 5 out of 6 ongoing war efforts have been tragically down-scaled, with the only fully-committed front being the one against the invading Moonlandians. This sudden lack of military action has led to falling public morale and a severe shortage of reasons to bomb cities.

Chancellor Glatix, in a speech about the global situation, had this to say:

“It is the duty of the nuclear powers to act as their own gatekeepers. They must understand that their actions have wider repercussions for the planet. To this end, I ask that they consider an alternative method of solving their disputes. I ask for the halting of nuclear attacks. I ask for a more human and personal approach to rectifying the issues between the nations of mankind. I ask… that nations stop using all these pansy-ass nukes and focus on the tried-and-true grindstone of front-line warfare. No one wants an end to war, that would be ridiculous. Strong nations can and should trample their lessers into the dirt, but that same jackboot should be fitted onto the foot of a proper soldier, not some silly rocket. So please, learn to respect your planet, and commit mass-murder responsibly."