Nation Bulletin

President Gopnik has been shot and taken to the emergency room!

،باسم الله الرحمان الرحيم

By The ministry of information and broadcasting
12/22/2022 08:09 pm
Updated: 12/22/2022 08:11 pm

  1
Share On:   

Oh, dear god! How long has it been since we last talked, a year? Well sorry for not informing you what's new due to protesters raiding our headquarters and cutting our communications with the outside world. Here's what happened:

  • In response to the protests over men's rights last year, president Gopnik explained the situation in a speech he gave on the 30th of July last year.

Dear men of Maghreb union, I'm informing you that our recent political decisions were made to return justice upon the maghrebi society by using tradition and the Islamic culture. If you still don't understand what I mean, it's that in our traditions, the women take care of the kids and the men supply the family with the food and clothing. We tried returning those traditions with the food policy by making the man work to earn food but didn't make the kids and mothers dependant on the fathers to not risk starving them. We also love looking at our society as a family; the fathers are grown up sons taking care of their children, the mothers are the daughters looking after the younger kids, the children are the society's future and the government is the parents who take care of them all. You can see in that vision the importance of men working and women not having too since they look after the children. In a nutshell, we will not make a change in the policies as we don't see a true reason why do so.

  • Male workers, revolting against the president's speech, had a 5 day strike starting from the 5th of August, badly affecting the Maghrebi economy.
  • Due to the strike causing lacks in money to buy food for the people, president Gopnik activated an emergency plan to only supply women and minors with free food on the 13th of August, 2082. That made the men angrier especially the fewer poor and non-muslims along with some women.
  • Angry mobs against the new system launched attacks in many regions of the federal union especially in the capital. One of the attacks was a raid on the information and broadcasting ministry's headquarters to not let us publish about the news after one of the ex-workers there saw a paper on which we wrote the script for the news and "didn't like what was written".
  • President Gopnik, concerned about the rest of the people getting hurt, orders the policemen to deploy tear gas on the rebels and arresting them so they stop starting from the 7th of September 2082
  • After lots of failing protests and attacks because of tear gas, an attempt to storm in the carthage palace accured on the 21st of September 2082 which failed after the police was forced to use riot shields and batons to stop rebels. 43 were injured.
  • Federations' leaders met up in Algiers, Algeria on the 15th of October 2082 to talk about the recent events. They agreed to all send military squads in case protesters don't stop when the tear gas is deployed and possible usage of razers and soft bullets which helped stopping many protests for the rest of the year.
  • On January 16th 2083, a group of 3 men and a woman pulled out guns during an attack in Bejaia and shot at 12 cops and 4 soldiers killing 2 policemen and 1 soldier while injuring the rest. They were stopped by the rest of the protesters since it was taken too far and they were taken to jail causing a high increase in the civil unrest. President Gopnik launched research to find the gun sellers in the black market and arresting them. He also ordered police and military units to wear thick armoury to maintain their safety
  • On February 24th 2083, 20 gun suppliers were arrested and over 150 protestants were arrested since the 25th of January 2083.
  • On the 15th of march 2083, an attempt to storm the Moroccan federation's castle of the monarch which ended with a failure. 16 rebels were found crushed to death, 54 were injured and 43 were arrested. As for the armed forces, 6 were killed and 27 were injured.
  • On the 30th of April 2083, a police station in banghazi was under attack by around 25 armed rebels. 7 were killed and the rest were arrested from which 15 were injured after a squad of soldiers were sent. 2 soldiers died and 5 were injured while 45 policemen were killed and 36 were injured and that was because of the attackers storming the facility quietly.
  • Yesterday, on the 24th of may 2083, the carthage palace was stormed again but, this time, with grenades and rifles. This time, the whole present team of 50 soldiers was killed leaving the president unsafe in his bunker. As the rebels broke the lock to the bunker, an emergency squad of 15 professional soldiers along with 50 policemen and 25 anti-terrorists fought the stormers killing 62 people and injuring 38 while 46 were arrested. But, by that time, it was too late. The president was found laying on his back with 2 shots in his stomach and 1 in h is leg. He was instantly taken to the emergeny room.

We only had the chance to start writing about what happened when we finally recovered from the storming of last year on the 17th of may 2083.

That is all that happened recently. We wish the president recovers and that these shenanigans end, إن شاء الله.