Glatixland population reaches a staggering 1,033,580 citizens, confounding leadership
A census taken today has revealed that Glatixland's population has grown to over one million, a staggeringly high number in the face of the nation's policies.
“We've been at war since we were first founded,” states General Klaus Von Murderdorf. “How has our population grown this quickly? We lost over 6,000 people during one of our first conflicts, and that was back when we only had 20,000 total citizens! There's just no way that this is logistically possible.”
Glatixian statisticians are struggling to uncover the reasons behind this sudden jump, with theories ranging from a working open-borders policy to falsified records.
“I mean, the quality of life here is awful," begins Glatixland Census Bureau chief Mark Volk. “Our policies can be described as draconian at best, and Burgundian at worst, who would actually want to live here? The average lifespan is 17 years!”
Despite totalitarian social policies, perpetual wars, and an incarnation rate of 25%, Glatixland's population continues to grow and thrive. Furthermore, additional polling reveals a shocking 100% approval rating among Glatixian citizens.
"They've got to be really dumb or something," remarks Chancellor Glatix. “Like, profoundly stupid, to the point where they have zero perspective on how terrible we've made their lives. Just last week we banned heterosexual relationships for a few days, and nothing happened. No backlash. And yes, I said heterosexual. We forbade straight people from dating and marrying, just to see what would happen, and nothing happened!"
The Glatixian state has reached the general consensus that the education budget needs to be increased drastically.
“People should be fleeing in droves. This is not, I repeat, NOT, a good country to live in. What the hell is wrong with these people?” adds the Chancellor in a later statement.
Lead exports to increase amid strange shortages of other resources
The government has announced that production and sale of lead will be ramped up in the coming days, primarily to bridge the gap created by shortages of other vital resources, namely iron, bauxite, and oil.
While bauxite and oil imports have shown no signs of slowing, most shipments seem to disappear once reaching Glatixian harbors, leading to wide-spread speculation as to their whereabouts. Iron, a key resource commonly mined in Glatixland, has also been disappearing. According to the government, all exports of iron are to cease for the foreseeable future.
Foreign aid shipments expanded to include food amidst global shortage
Government officials have announced today that the ‘Little Tyrant’ program is being expanded to food exports for struggling nations, rather than merely munitions.
“Eating lead is for the enemy only,” remarks Chancellor Glatix. “Wars can't be waged with hungry soldiers, it's as simple as that. As such, we'll be expanding our aid packages to include rations for starving militants. It's the least we can do for the autocrats of the world.”
Developing nations with food supply issues are urged to contact Glatixland promptly.
