The Tactical Thermonuclear Gnome

Hello People of orbis! and the unfortunate creatures who identify themselves as french. Today Nukeya is excited to bring you our latest invention yet. A creation so perfect it can be used in whatever situation you’d like. Introducing the Tactical Thermonuclear Gnome (TTG) 

Now you might be confused as to why we decided to turn a regular garden gnome into a weapon of mass destruction and the honest awnser is that we have no idea either! Maybe it was built as a weapon that could counter the mailboxes… did you check your mailbox? DID YOU CHECK IT!!??? Of course not you dumb foolish reader and now thanks to your faint ignorance your mailbox is already plotting against you. So if you dont wanna get turned into a human protein bar then consider buying the Tactical Thermonuclear Gnome!

The TTG comes equipped with a dual stage thermonuclear bomb inside its hat which was casted out of pure lead ensuring ample radiation poisoning for you and your family. However that is not all! Inside its body a liquid fuel rocket engine can be found alongside a whole uh i dont know rocket steering system? What do you call it again? Thrust vectoring? Apperently it has a thurst vectoring system inside of it and watch this… It also comes with 6G connection to your home directly! This ensures that nobody especially karen will steal your gnome as karen will be too afraid that it will infect them with some kind of disease!

The TTG has many uses including decorating your garden, decorating your garden, decorating your garden and as a home defense system! You think the neighbor is being annoying mowing his grass in the early morning hours while you want to sleep. Worry no more! With the simple click of a button you can evicerate your neighbor’s home and his lawnmower in one fell swoop! Some chinese kid beating you in league of legends? Use the tactical thermonuclear gnome and turn his village into a crater! Ripbozo take the massive L 中国玩家! 

Now of course it also has a second more dire function installed into it. For emergency use only though! It is called the “gnomed” function and it is effectively a legalized form of a nuclear self destruct system because the law doesnt cover this stuff! Have several robbers arrived to steal your precious tomatoes? Has the IRS arrived to repossess your home? Or worst of all… have those french girl scouts returned to sell you cookies!? Fear not as with a simple panic button you can start a 60 second countdown on the thermonuclear charges inside of your gnomes! Make sure to pack all essential supplies such as your Tarkkuuskivääri Riihimäki G-sarja", "Riihimäki Precision Rifle, that 69 pack of lemon grenades and of course your HIMARS mobile artillery rocket vehicle. Pack everything including the HIMARS into your Airbus A400M Atlas conviently parked nearby and fly away while your gnomes detonate their payloads destroying your home, neighborhood, town and anyone unfortunate enough to be inside the blast radius. Conviently the gnomes will also wipe any trace of your existance ensuring that no authority on earth can trace that nuclear explosion back to you.

So what are you waiting for! Buy the tactical thermonuclear gnome today and be one step ahead of your enemies while making your garden that bit nicer ;)