Witch-Hunting: Cultural staple or outdated practice?
A long standing debate within Glatixian society has centered around the ethics of ‘Witch Hunting’ (sometimes called witching or slaying), particularly given an unexpected rise among the numbers of said hunters due to the events of recent months. Given the distinct lack of supernatural creatures, many wonder why such a vocation has become newly popularized. The answer lies with Covid-19.
In order to offer a first-hand perspective on the matter, we deferred the ridiculously-dressed, veteran witch-hunter Jorgan von Stabenstein:
Stabenstein: "The rise of plague is no mere coincidence! Millions of people world-wide refusing free protection against a dangerous virus? Really? Only a fool would believe that such an enormous volume of people could be so stupid. Consider the behavior of these so-called ‘Anti-Vax Brainlets’. They act irrationally, tearing the masks from the faces of the innocent and frothing with anger at the idea of a tiny needle. Clearly they are afflicted by a malady of the -soul-. I believe that these throngs are tainted by the influence of witchcraft, and that we must endeavor to locate the source of the foul magics and stifle it.”
John Jonah Johnson, Reporter: “Many of the unvaccinated actively work to spread misinformation that they read on Facebook. Don't you think that they could simply be pansies who are afraid of needles and seek any excuse to avoid getting a shot? After all, they are willing to get fake vaccination cards and type entire paragraphs against basic medical precautions on various social media platforms. Isn't that indicative of bed-shitting fear of needles?”
Stabenstein: “Nay. This manner of irrationality can only be the work of hellspawned sorcery. It is inconceivable that such a large portion of a civil population is so blitheringly idiotic. One must only look to the nonsense they spout. Microscopic tracking chips? Magnetic skin? These are clearly the words of the hopelessly insane.”
Johnson: “Well… what are witch hunters doing about it?”
Stabenstein: “I'm glad you asked. We have long safeguarded the innocent against the unnatural, and thus act to incapacitate and inoculate the afflicted until such time that the coven behind all this can be eradicated.”
Johnson: “Incapacitate and inoculate?”
Stabenstein: “Aye. We tie them up and then give them a shot. They usually whine about it but typically seem fine afterwards. We also confiscate any horse de-wormer that they have. For some reason they buy it in bulk and use so much at once that they violently !@#$ themselves in public."
Johnson: “Huh. They're afraid of a shot but they'll take horse de-wormer and risk an uncontrolled bowel movement?”
Stabenstein: “Aye. Now then, the sun is rising and there is little time remaining before the day's hunt begins. These possessed creatures prefer to move in the daylight, usually carrying ridiculous signs likening wearing masks to persecution… for some reason."
Johnson: “Well… that -is- a bit looney! Any last remarks for the folks abroad?”
Stabenstein: “It takes all of five minutes to do research on the nature of the vaccines. Only a madman would deny the work of accredited scholars in favor of the empty words of politicians. Save yourselves from this idiocy… before -we- have to."
This has been a public service announcement courtesy of the Glatixian Board of Mental and Physical wellness. If this article inspires irrational feelings of anger or indignation, you may be experiencing the early stages of witch-related psychosis. Please refer to a medical professional for help with your ridiculous fear of needles. For more information, visit https://www.fda.gov/emergency-preparedness-and-response/coronavirus-disease-2019-covid-19/covid-19-vaccines
