South Africa on DEFCON 1

”Yeah, I’m actually from the Safari and Wildlife Protection Department. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned while cleaning penguin poop, it’s that you can never have too much protection.”

-Newly appointed Commander of the Armed Forces, Maya Kihara. (newly appoint meaning like yesterday.)

On August 16th, the South African Defense Force upgraded its military readiness to DEFCON Level 1. A maximum mustering of military personnel has been fulfilled in record time, minus the navy which suffered hesitancy from Commander Kihara’s fear of the ocean; she had an embarrassing experience of peeing the pool as a child, so who can blame her.

Furthermore, South African authorities froze all loans as the economy entered total war mode. Resources originally meant for sale were instead seized and sent to the military. Large quantities of borewors were also taken for “boosting morale”.

While the mobilization of the military has been praised, the reality is that South Africa‘s war materials are running thin. Months ago, Commander Kihara requested around 500 million JT dollars worth of war resources be set aside for potential fighting. However, Lord Taiga instead earmarked only 50 million while stating; “Everything is okay. We are okay. War is a total hoax, a major league lie I’m telling you. Nobody can challenge South Africa- Have you seen KT? They're lightweights.” Commander Kihara did not share Lord Taiga’s sentiment, but avoided disagreeing because she didn’t want to go back to cleaning penguin poop.

Is South Africa ready for total war? Find out soon!