Several athletes maimed in experiment gone wrong

Mere days before the Wastelander Cup soccer tournament is set to kick off, several leaked documents revealed that Biohazard scientists have been conducting human tests on several bioengineered viruses designed to improve the performance of the nation's athletes, to disastrous effects. According to these files, which were leaked to the media by a whistleblower, several tests were conducted on unknowing players for the nation's soccer team, the Amoebas, resulting in a series of devastating health effects. 

According to one excerpt, “The virus had a series of unexpected neurological consequences. Subject 1, our goalkeeper, has since covered himself in bubble wrap and refuses to move, insisting that he has turned into a porcelain vase and will shatter if anyone touches him. Another test subject is only able to walk backwards and can only say words beginning with the letter S. Two of the test subjects have demonstrated auto-cannibalistic behaviour and a loss of object permanence, and subject 4 believes that he is famous TV chef Gordon Ramsay, although it is unknown whether this will affect his performance on the field." 

We spoke to the whistleblower, a member of the research team who wishes to remain anonymous. “The fact that an experimental pathogen was allowed to be tested on our athletes really demonstrates a complete lack of oversight" he told us and added “there's no reason we couldn't have thoroughly tested this on our many prisoners of war and child slaves before slipping it into our athlete's chicken fajitas". 

We spoke to lead researcher Bophades, who admits to designing these viruses but denies that anything went awry during the testing. “Rumours of the incapacitation of our beloved players are completely unfounded", she claimed. When questioned on their whereabouts, she said that they had taken an impromptu vacation to Fiji. Unfortunately, given their untimely disappearance right before the tournament, the government has announced that random members of the population will be selected to replace them.

Biohazard has historically had a poor track record in the sporting community, being previously blacklisted from hosting any home games since the mysterious demise of Annesia's entire curling team. Many nations have called for an indefinite ban on the nation's participation in international sporting competitions, citing frequent rulebreaking, cheating and occasional incidents of cannibalism, but the organizing committee claims that there has never been a specific rule banning the use of bioweapons. The government of Biohazard has stated that they have no intention to give in to demands to withdraw from the competition.