It is a nice evening in london however as you are walking out of your local tesco, a robber attacks you with a knife, takes your belongings and escapes into the tube taking the bakerloo line and then boarding the 21:20 pm Eurostar service at St Pancras Interntional station to escape to Belgium.
Are you familiar with this scenario? Of course you are, it happens way too often for us to forget. However you may be puzzled at what to do in these kind of situations. As such we have compiled five easy steps for you to follow should you be robbed.
Step 1: “The Nice Aproach”
It is all too familiar. A robber aproaches you and demands you to hand over your wallet and your anime figurine collection. Of course you cannot simply do that so we tell the robber: “No i cannot do that i am afraid.” Remember that a robber cannot legally take your stuff without your consent and will have to resort to criminal activities to get their hands on your valuable anime magazines. If this does not work then we will move on to step 2
Step 2: “The Negotiating Aproach”
Should the robber fail to honor your civil rights and still demand your belongings, then it is time to move to step 2. We will initiate into constructive negotiations with the robber in question in order to establish common ground or hash out a deal in your favor. For example you can offer the robber your cash as a loan in exchange for you being left alone. Remember that most criminals rob out of despiration which is something you can use in your negotiations. Should negotiations fail then we must resort to step 3
Step 3: “The Stoic Aproach”
It is now time to put your beer reserve to good use. Invite the robber over to your house and offer him a drink. Make sure to keep him drinking as much as possible untill the robber either passes out of dies from chronic liver failure. This is a quiet and effective method which can be improved further with a movie or small talk. Be aware that the robber may still have a weapon at hand thus make sure to disarm the robber as soon as they fall unconscious. However there are moments that may impact your situation. You may even build a friendship with the robber or even a relationship. To avoid this please remember that the robber wants to kill you and take your beloved anime bodypillows and nation credits. There is always a chance that the robber is not interested in drinking or can endure the effects of alcohol poisoning. If this is the case then move to step 4.
Step 4: “The Violent Aproach”
A robber may not be interested in going over to your house for a drink. Should this be the case then it is finally time to resort to self defense. You may now use the SIG Sauer P320 Modular semi-automatic pistol that is conviently hidden inside your pants. The robber may now take a violent aproach however thanks to the fast firing system of our pistol we will be able to dispatch of the threat with no problems. Make sure to let the robber fire their pistol first or cut you with their knife before firing your own pistol. This ensures that your act of violence can be classified as “Self defense” and thus protects you from any further harm in case of lawsuits against you. However you may find yourself in a situation where you forgor your pistol at home. In that case please resort to step 5
Step 5: “The Counterstrike Mechanized Warfare Aproach”
Without a weapon to defend yourself and with no compromises it is now time to hand over your wallet, anime manga and your nation credits to the robber. The robber is now leaving for his safehouse however what we did not give him were the ignition keys to our Leopard 2 third generation main battle tank which has been conviently parked down the street. We will now use our Leopard 2 to persue the robber back to his base of operations. Upon arrival we will make use of the Leopard’s Rh 120 L/55 120mm cannon in order to evicerate the robber and any possible associates of theirs. Should the robber engage with their own combat vehicles then we can utilize the leopard 2‘s excellent Liquid cooled V12 twin-turbo diesel engine for flanking and evasive maneuvers. We can also utilize the two 7.62 mm FN MAG machine guns to deal with any remaining threats in the immediate area. After the Area has been secured and the robber neutralized, we can now retrieve our belongings, anime manga and beloved nation credits.
With the use of these 5 steps you can now rest asured that you will be safe from any and all robbers in the streets of london.
You have been fined £69 for the unlicensed operation of an military combat vehicle
Replies
I thought London, Canada, was full of nice people!
Step 3 doesn't really work since Alcohol is Haram
@Louis Napoleon Respect, Also which London? Canadian London? Or British London?
Commy Britain needs this
May I suggest the Lockheed Martin United States Air Force F-35A Lighting II? Call in a Danger Close Air Support operation and watch as the Lightning's unparalleled situational awareness and combat versatility tear your robber to shreds. Alternatively, I suggest the Colt M4A1 Carbine (CQB Variant). Its range, versatility, and stopping power will give you an edge over any ruffians.
This is all too much of a common occurrence for me. I may have to implement your ideas next time I get a meal deal from Tesco.