Take cover!
During an MRBM (Medium range ballistic missile) test, an anomaly in the guided weapon's code seems to have resulted in tracking and trajectory systems failing. Experts have confirmed that the missile is still returning a 'green light', meaning that it's yet to detonate. As of this broadcast, the missile is estimated to be at an altitude of approximately 3100-3300 kilometers and falling.
Due to the malfunctioning trajectory system, there's no way for Glatixian officials to determine -where- the missile will land. Nations in and around the Italian peninsula are advised to instruct their citizens to seek shelter.
Meanwhile, ballistics experts have compiled a helpful guide for dealing with this particular model of missile:
- Those within a 1000 kilometer range of the Isle of Elba should locate an underground structure immediately.
- Those who spot the missile should NOT attempt to shoot it down, as doing so will cause it to break into hundreds of smaller missiles, which will then target the family of the original shooter.
- Negotiating with the missile over the radio IS possible, but the missile is known to be unreasonable.
- The missile WILL kill your dog if given the chance. Do not allow it to see your dog.
- Avoid opening any emails from the missile, or clicking any links that the missile sends you. The missile will steal your personal information and use it to frame you for murder.
- Upon impact, the missile might not explode. There is a 50% chance that it will instead play music akin to that of an ice cream truck. This is a ruse. There is no ice cream, only fiery death.
- There might be ice cream for those brave enough to go out and see the missile.
- Ignore rule 7, the missile wrote that.
- Should the missile land and produce a small flag that says 'bang', denizens have 60 seconds to disarm the internal explosives. A timer will be visible near the lower fuselage. Those seeking to disarm the missile should dial 9-765-248-123 immediately for instructions.
- Finally, the missile may attempt to gaslight you into thinking it is sentient. The missile is not sentient. It's a missile. Do not attempt to aid the missile in escaping to Peru to link up with other sentient missiles.
A $100 dollar reward is being offered for any information regarding the missile's whereabouts.
Due to uncertainty regarding the missile's exact landing area, the Glatixian government has prepared the following fill-in-the-blank statement:
"The Office of the Chancellor profusely apologizes to the nation of _______ for this horrible tragedy. We hope that the ________ people can move forward in friendship with Glatixland. We have long admired _______ for its great cultural heritage and forgiving nature."
