https://youtu.be/KxNGMvNIvP8
1st Glatixburg Home Game
Dash: "Hello Glatixland and network-sponsoring nations! Welcome to the first game of Glatball in decades! The Berserkers and the Gorehorns have taken the field and both teams are OUT FOR BLOOD. The Glatixburg Deathdome is the Gorehorn's home turf, and they look READY to defend against the visiting Berserkers. Only time will tell who's gonna come out a champ, and who's gonna be declared a chump! This is Dash Jagger, your favorite Glatball announcer, here live with my co-host Chet Fuxsly. Looks like the game's about to begin!"
Chet: "That's right Dash! The teams are lined up and ready, both eyeing the Glatball with the kind of murderous vigor you'd expect from men hopped up on enough steroids to kill an elephant. AND THERE'S THE GONG, THE GAME IS ON! Gorehorn #5 has just taken the ball, cutting off the Berserker's #3 and OH GOD #3 just took an atomic elbow to the face from Gorehorn #7!"
Dash: "That elbow drop was courtesy of none other than the legendary Dmitry Vasiliev, who first started playing Glatball a decade ago in the illegal circuit. Good to see him out of prison and back into the limelight, Chet! Looks like Gorehorn #5 has bypassed two more defenders in a rush for the plate-zone. We might see an early score and OH #5 HAS BEEN TRIPPED UP! Cade Byangor is DOWN FOR THE COUNT!"
Chet: "All the asphalt isn't great for the skin, Dash. Looks like Cade's face has been torn off, that's gonna need a round or two on the bench. EMTs are rushing onto the field and HOLY !@#$ Dmitry Vasiliev JUST CLOTHES-LINED THE FRONT STRETCHER CARRIER!"
Dash: "That's a classic maneuver, Chet. The Vasiliev special. Remember that EMTs are considered fair game in Glatball. Just listen to that crowd! Oh, the right-corner ref just tossed a red flag, that's a penalty. Looks like the Gorehorns's coach is going in to contest it... and... they're contesting... there we go the coach lost the arm-wrestle so the penalty stands. Looks like Dmitry's gonna have to play with only one arm from now on."
Chet: "It's always a gambit going after EMTs, but it looks like this one did pay off. Cade appears to have bled to death, meaning he probably won't be around for the rest of the season. Meanwhile Gorehorn #5, Klaus Jung, has been solidly intercepted by the Berserker's star-player, #8 Pierre Francis. And just LOOK AT THAT, FRANCIS KICKED OUT JUNG'S KNEE! That's gonna be more than a hairline fracture, Dash. Just look at that angle, a beautiful kick. I think I see some bone, even!"
Dash: "Yup, hate to see injuries but love to see everyone having a good time. That's Glatball baby! Francis is taking the ball all the way to the Gorehorn's plate-zone aaaaaaaaaand HE'S SCORED! That's plate 1 down for the Gornhorns! They're SCRAMBLING to counter as several skirmishes have already broken out across the field. Berserker #9, a rookie who was traded from the Aryawic Attackers, seems to have had his eyes gauged out by the Gorehorn's #7."
Chet: "That #7 is a clever one, now #9 is gonna have a hard time seeing I bet. Looks like Francis is lining up another shot before before the Gorehorn's #4 and #2 can reach him and HE'S SCORED AGAIN! OH! #4, Jorgan Gjorgan, appears to have landed a spinning kick to the back of Francis's head. That's gonna rattle him a bit! Jorgan's got the Glatball and he's sprinting for the center, with Gorehorn #2, Kris Krapple, playing guard. Krapple just intercepted Clegane McFuck and... OH MCFUCK just managed a drop-kick!"
Dash: "Clegane's gonna lose some time from that one, Jorgan's already in the Berserker's plate-zone and THAT'S A PLATE! He's scored! Sometimes you just gotta settle for a haymaker so you don't lose any speed. Speaking of speed, there's the Berserker's #8 again, coming up on Jorgan as Clegane engages Berserker #5 Grungle Hamstead in single-combat. McFuck's got quite the grip on Hamstead right now, I didn't realize a human arm could bend that way!"
Chet: "Might wanna keep an eye on Jorgan because he's SCORED AGAIN! THE CROWD IS LOVING THIS CAN HE... HE DID! HE JUST TOOK OUT A -THIRD- PLATE! Not sure if he sees Francis closing in but OH MY GOD FRANCIS HAS BEEN INTERCEPTED BY KLAUS JUNG! The man's only got one working leg and he pulled off the greatest side-tackle I've ever seen! Dash I'm absolutely beside myself right now! Jorgan is still going, and that's A FOURTH PLATE! ONLY ONE TO GO AND THE GOREHORNS TAKE THIS ONE! HE's RUNNING DOWN FIELD TO LINE UP THAT FINAL SHOT... FRANCIS HAS SNAPPED JUNG's NECK AND IS IN PURSUIT... HE'S LAUNCHING HIMSELF AT JORGAN JUST AS HE KICKS! JORGAN IS ON THE GROUND AND THE BALL IS... IS... IT'S GOOD! THE PLATE IS BROKEN!"
Dash: "OH MY GOD! Listen to that victory klaxon! It's over, the Glatixburg Gorehorns have WON! In all my hours of being a Glatball announcer I've never seen a victory like this one! What a heart-pounding rush!"
Chet: "In the next game of the season, the Aryawic Attackers will be going after the Danikagrad Devastators. We're expecting a bloody match-up at the famed Aryawic Arena, so be sure to tune in!"
