Replacing the Dreadnoughts
The Glatixian Department of War recently announced a massive shipbuilding initiative after the fleet was caught in a surprise attack and decisively defeated by a flotilla of unidentified puppy-rapists. The failure of the Shutenboatte to repel such an attack led many naval leaders to question whether the use of ships built between 1889-1920 was actually a good idea. One such Commander, Hassan Shpeel, remarks:
“We figured that the really big guns on the Dreadnoughts meant that they were good in a fight, but they really didn't do much against the storm of carrier jet fighters, missile cruisers, nuclear submarines, and point-defense armed destroyers that comprised the enemy fleet. It turns out that using ships that are well-over a century old might not be the best call for armed conflicts."
Other officers are staunchly against the change, such as the staggeringly ancient Admiral Wilhelm “that 125 year-old bastard” Hapsburg:
“The solution here isn't giving in to all this liberal nonsense about ‘modernizing’, it's about finding naval officers with gumption and daring-do. Everyone knows that strength of will wins the fight, not fancy range-finders. What kind of moron would think that some soulless ‘fire control system’ could ever compete with a sailor who closes one eye and just sort of guesses where to shoot?”
Despite the protest from officers, God-Admiral ‘Literally a cat named Snuggles’ has approved the sweeping changes. A new line of 12 “Expendable” class destroyers have already been deployed in patrols along the Glatixian coast, and a “Bankrupter” class super-carrier is presently in production. In order to properly crew and maintain these new vessels, the Shutenboatte has officially lifted its ban on heterosexuals acting as servicemen. Straight men and women will be allowed to serve aboard combat ships for the first time in Glatixian history.
“Like all navies, the Shutenboatte has historically been super-gay," begins Commander Shpeel. “I mean, just look at all the white uniforms and ascots, oh and the little sailor hats. We've long been aware of closeted heterosexuals within our ranks, but we've typically maintained a ‘don’t ask don't tell' policy towards them. Typically you can tell which ones are straight because they'll always button their shirts up.”
Danikagrad sees massive economic boom
The newest Glatixian city, named after the Chancellor's new cat, has been the recipient of massive government investment. Newly built infrastructure and generous government business subsidies have resulted in booming mining and commerce sectors. Rapid job growth led to a slackening of Glatixland's border control policies, and tens of thousands of migrants have already entered the country seeking new opportunities.
“We totally didn't tell them what it's actually like here. They have like… no idea what a mistake they've made. I can't wait to see the looks of their faces. Yes, they'll probably be better off economically, but ooooooooooh boy they're not gonna like what happens when they try to express an unapproved opinion. We've got hundreds of military police officers just -waiting- to stun-baton someone, it's gonna be great," remarks the Minister of Social Affairs
