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Poop Goblins


Benedict XI
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So you've gone several weeks without having to poop, and you're starting to get worried. The only other difference you've noticed in your life in these last several weeks is that your anus is somewhat wet when you wake up in the morning. A witch doctor approaches you on the street and tells you that you have been chosen by the poop goblins. Every night the goblins sneak into your house and suck all the poop out of your colon. There is no chance of you waking up during this. The witch doctor tells you that he will banish the poop goblins at no cost to you if you ask him to.

 

Do you banish the poop goblins?

 

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I say no. It's obviously a net benefit to your daily life. 

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"We pull in money, new recruits, all just to combat cipher, rubbing our noses in bloody battlefield dirt, all for revenge."

 

"Why are we still here? Just to suffer? Every night i can feel my leg, and my arm, even my fingers. The body i've lost, The comrades i've lost, won't stop hurting... it's like they're all still there... You feel it too, don't you?"

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I would say the most practical option is to do nothing as I will no longer have to waste time on poop. Instead, that time can be used on more important things such as self-improvement.

"Your cattle will die, your friends will die, you will die. But your reputation, if it is good, will never die."  -excerpt from the Havamal

 

"We are born into this time and must bravely follow the path to the destined end. There is no other way. Our duty is to hold on to the lost position, without hope, without rescue, like that Roman soldier whose bones were found in front of a door in Pompeii, who, during the eruption of Vesuvius, died at his post because they forgot to relieve him. That is greatness. That is what it means to be a thoroughbred. The honorable end is the one thing that can not be taken from a man."  -Oswald Spengler

 

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I would enquire on what rules the poop goblins work on. Perhaps I may not realise as they come when I am asleep but what about the ladies? Will the poop goblins not come forth if they are awake? What guarantee is there they won't wake up? Will it leave a smell? Details, they are important. If everything checks out then I suppose there is no harm. If it doesn't check out then I'd have to say no. 

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I really hate pooping. I have to take off all my armor, like the plates and chainmail. Then, I have to go to the darkest, most God-forsaken corner of my castle and do my business. Saracens raided the last supply caravan, so we're out of the parchment we use to wipe with. So, I have to borrow some expensive cloth from the storage and wipe with. It's just a shitty (no pun intended) process all around...

 

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But, no, really. I would love for the poop goblins to stick around. I do hate pooping, and I hate it because it's gross. I have more time in the day and less in my life grossness thanks to the goblins.

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I really hate pooping. I have to take off all my armor, like the plates and chainmail. Then, I have to go to the darkest, most God-forsaken corner of my castle and do my business. Saracens raided the last supply caravan, so we're out of the parchment we use to wipe with. So, I have to borrow some expensive cloth from the storage and wipe with. It's just a shitty (no pun intended) process all around...

 

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But, no, really. I would love for the poop goblins to stick around. I do hate pooping, and I hate it because it's gross. I have more time in the day and less in my life grossness thanks to the goblins.

It does bring up the question of the methodology of the goblins as well. What are their methods of ridding you of god's sin? 

"We pull in money, new recruits, all just to combat cipher, rubbing our noses in bloody battlefield dirt, all for revenge."

 

"Why are we still here? Just to suffer? Every night i can feel my leg, and my arm, even my fingers. The body i've lost, The comrades i've lost, won't stop hurting... it's like they're all still there... You feel it too, don't you?"

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How can we trust these poop goblins? How can we trust them to use their almost unlimited poop-schlooping power for good? I have to say that I would be uncomfortable in giving up my butthole sovereignty to a supernatural being whose motivations it is impossible to completely understand.

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How can we trust these poop goblins? How can we trust them to use their almost unlimited poop-schlooping power for good? I have to say that I would be uncomfortable in giving up my butthole sovereignty to a supernatural being whose motivations it is impossible to completely understand.

I think the biggest issue here is the idea of expectations. we can expect these poop goblins to take away our excrement, but their methods are up to interpretation. 

"We pull in money, new recruits, all just to combat cipher, rubbing our noses in bloody battlefield dirt, all for revenge."

 

"Why are we still here? Just to suffer? Every night i can feel my leg, and my arm, even my fingers. The body i've lost, The comrades i've lost, won't stop hurting... it's like they're all still there... You feel it too, don't you?"

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I think the biggest issue here is the idea of expectations. we can expect these poop goblins to take away our excrement, but their methods are up to interpretation. 

 

Well, my point is that if they have the ability to break into someone's house and extract the poop out of their ass, with NO chance of being caught in the act, these are some sort of supernatural entities, with great power and abilities. In addition, we have no idea what exactly they are gaining out of this whole arrangement. I cannot willingly submit myself to a supernatural being for the purposes of convenience when that being has some sort of quasi-magical powers, and is exercising them in pursuit of an objective with which I am completely unfamiliar. Gaining access to my ass, and the poop that resides therein, could be the first step in a process to completely subjugate me to the poop goblins' will, and as such I cannot support the willful relinquishment of that access.

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