Shiftnational Geographic-2021:
Shocking news from the Mini Museum of Natural Science (for ants)…
The Shiftocone, thought to have gone extinct from a global catastrophe, actually went extinct from "simply not wanting to live anymore" researchers have found. The find is a breakthrough after the team finally got off their ass and stopped buying Steam games and playing Agar.io. One researcher stated that upon closer inspection of the fossil record, they found trace fossils of bottle caps pointing to alcoholism. Further analysis found nearby fossil beds with markings made by the Shiftocone on the ocean floors, with long messages asking for forgiveness and filled with mentions of evolutionary regrets. What finally put the nail in the coffin for this landmark species was the development of self-awareness. Researchers believe that once the early ocean dweller realized its lack of purpose other than to feed, procreate, and survive (which it did badly), it got tired of this “yee yee ass” existence. The team hopes that this now filled void of information in the evolutionary history of Shifty will aid in making him immortal. For now, the team will go back to playing a subpar online version of Cards Against Humanity and cuddling while looking at the stars. Taxpayer money right?
